By Tim Weissman, Ph.D.
Anxiety and anger are frequent companions. They tend to travel together when we experience chaos. I have found this is especially true when we are frustrated with a lack of control over something in our life. It could be our job, our relationship to our spouse, a past trauma, our physical sensations/emotions, the traffic, or any of a multitude of challenges we face in life.
Our minds hold on to the notion that we can manage, that we can figure it out and avoid our feared future. But, reality keeps pushing up against this belief, making it clear that we lack control. Fighting this reality engenders anger at the world and ourselves. It also tends to lock us in a loop that reinforces itself. The more anxious we feel, the more we try to control our world. Yet, this is ultimately fruitless and serves to fuel anger – leading to less effective coping and more chaos in our experiences – thus back to anxiety.
To illustrate, imagine the following analogy. At birth we are pushed off an enormous cliff. The cliff is so tall that it will take 80 years for us to reach the bottom. At the same time we are pushed off, a large boulder is also pushed off with us. Now, as we are free-falling we become filled with fear – only thinking of the future, when we reach the bottom. To deal with the intense fear we grasp hold of the boulder falling next to us and pull ourselves into it, holding on for dear life. We find that clinging to the boulder does nothing for us. Incapable of changing our situation, anger is fueled – reflecting our view that the world is unfair…unjust.
We can spend the 80 years falling to the bottom, feeling fearful and angry, or we can decide to let go of the boulder and embrace the excitement of the fall. The boulder is doing nothing for us. It simply distracts us from the reality of our life, a reality in which our true choice is whether or not we can accept falling and find meaning and joy in the experience.
Often when we struggle with anxiety or anger, our friends and loved ones, in their well-intentioned ways, encourage us to simply “let go.” Maybe they have said “don’t sweat the small stuff.” My guess is that this advice hasn’t been exceedingly helpful. If we knew how to “let go,” then perhaps a reminder is helpful. But, frequently we simply don’t know what letting go looks like, or what it means to do it.
I have thought for years on the question of how to “let go.” It’s definitely a mental shift, but I don’t believe we can just turn it on. And, I don’t believe it’s merely acceptance of our limitations. I believe it’s something more, something further. I believe true letting go involves making peace with our lack of control. We can accept an annoying neighbor, but making peace with that neighbor goes further. We welcome them into our neighborhood. We find ways to appreciate them and what they bring to the community.
I believe letting go is similar. We find ways to appreciate lack of control. We discover what the experience brings to our life, how it enhances existence. I think to actually do that, we need to actively engage in a number of thoughts and behaviors which bring us to the present moment, pulling us back from our future-focused orientation.
Living in the future is almost always fear. The future is “what if.” What if I am late to work? What if I don’t save enough for my daughter’s college? What if I lie to my spouse? What if he/she discovers the lie? What if, what if, what if… It’s incessant and never-ending, and all it does is fuel anxiety, and ultimately anger, when we fruitlessly try to control all outcomes. Our constant thinking and planning gives us an illusion of control over the future, but we are not omnipotent beings and do not control all variables in the world.
So we must find ways to let go of the obsessive thinking future-focused mind. We must turn toward our fear and engage with it in order to change. Here are five strategies to help you make peace with lack of control:
1. Yoga
One of the best ways to pull back from an anxious future-focus is by engaging in a regular Yoga practice. Yoga means “yolk” or “union” and it is an excellent way to connect your mind and body – pulling us to the present moment. It focuses on breathing, mindfulness and physical postures/stretches. With regular practice it reduces stress hormones and frees us from our constant thinking, judging and planning. In the middle of Yoga we find ourself aware of our senses and present in the moment. When we are present with our awareness we can find a sense of appreciation for our lack of control. We can observe our own thinking with curiosity and fascination – welcoming it instead of judging it.
I recommend you find a local Yoga studio with in-person classes. It is most effective to attend a studio where the space is free of our normal distractions. If you can’t find something local, or the cost is prohibitive, there are some great YouTube channels for Yoga. One of the channels I have used for beginner Yoga is Yoga with Kassandra - YouTube. If you are trying this at home, it’s important to find a space where you will not be distracted. Of course, do the best you can. Sometimes, we simply must work within our unique situations. Also, be patient. The benefits of Yoga accrue over time. At first, it will likely feel awkward. Your mind will jump from thought to thought. Remind yourself that making peace with lack of control isn’t just a switch you can turn on or off. It will take time. Give yourself 1 month of consistent (3+ times per week) Yoga practice before you assess how you feel.
2. Reduce Attachment to Outcomes
A primary reason we feel angry when a car cuts us off is because we are faced with the reality that we do not completely control the outcome of our drive to work. We are potentially late now, an outcome we were attempting to avoid. We yell at the other driver, as if that will somehow control the situation. Instead, we are yelling at ourselves, causing stress hormones to activate and doing nothing useful about being late to work.
It’s the expectation of specific outcomes that is the source of our attachment. We hold on to expectations similar to the boulder at the beginning of this article. The antidote is to surrender control and welcome in the unexpected. This will allow you more focus and energy to devote to things which you can control - specifically your thoughts and behavior.
As an exercise to practice reducing our attachment to outcomes, spend a full day without looking at the time. Turn off (or cover) your clocks around your home. Don’t check your phone. Live the day without marking time. It will feel uncomfortable. You might find yourself reflexively going to check the time. Notice that. Gently remind yourself to stop. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable until you… don’t.
We try to control time by marking it. Ultimately, we have no control over it. Time simply marches on, eternally. We say that time will catch up to us all, but we tend to be the ones trying to catch up to time – thinking, planning, judging; setting our behavior to our clocks. Choose to experience life without marking time for a day, then reflect on the experience. Choose to make it a more common experience – perhaps every month or two. Feel what it is like to not be bound by our expectations of specific outcomes.
3. Do the Opposite
Making peace with lack of control also develops when we choose to engage in behavior that is the opposite of our typical behavior. When we try to control our world, we are attempting to avoid fear. However, when we avoid fear, it never changes. By doing the opposite, by NOT attempting to control everything around us, we turn toward the fear, allowing change to happen – allowing our relationship to anxiety to shift. It is similar to how therapists help people overcome phobias. Rather than avoiding spiders, to overcome your fear of them, you will need exposure to spiders. That is a trusted method to reduce phobic anxiety.
Similarly, when we have exposure to our fear of lack of control, we have the opportunity to change. To create this opportunity try new behaviors which don’t involve fear avoidance. For example, if you find yourself planning small details of your schedule many months in advance, try waiting longer to make the plans. For a person who keeps a very orderly home, perhaps allow yourself to be messy for a full day or two – leave clothes on the floor in the middle of the room. If either of these thoughts makes you anxious to consider, you are likely on the right track. If not, come up with other behaviors which will pull you out of your comfort zone.
For anxiety to improve, it’s helpful to experience it, in small doses, so you can habituate to the feeling. In a sense, you will be intentionally welcoming into your inner life, the fear of lack of control. Paradoxically, this tends to be empowering and freeing. I strongly suggest you start small though. I would not recommend flooding yourself with a heavy load of anxiety.
4. Mantras and Meditation
A mantra is a short phrase that we think or speak which serves to train our mind to see the world differently. To make peace with lack of control we can reframe our world and change our relationship to anxiety/anger. I suggest you develop 2 or 3 mantras which address control and our relationship to it. A few of the ones that could be helpful are:
I do not need control to be safe.
I trust that life will unfold the way it is intended.
I do not need control to be happy.
Whatever you decide for your mantras, I encourage you to say them 3 times in the morning, afternoon and evening. When you say them, imagine seeing your face genuinely smiling and content. Breath into that image when you say phrase. Say the mantras daily for a month, then assess your relationship with control. If it improves, consider continuing actively saying your mantras.
Another strategy is Mindfulness Meditation. Anxiety and fear look to the future – thinking “what if?” Sadness looks to the past – thinking “what is lost?” Mindfulness brings us to the present, simply thinking “what is.” Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. We move to a perspective of the curious observer – allowing us distance from our mind’s incessant desire for control. Obtaining a sense of mindfulness takes practice, but the benefits are immense. Mindfulness is associated with mental focus and clarity, reduction in stress and improved memory.
A wonderful way to learn mindfulness is with a guided meditation. There are numerous apps on the market which can help you practice mindfulness meditation. In a guided meditation, a speaker will give you verbal instructions to assist you in calming your mind. Typically, this is paired with serene music or perhaps binaural beats. The combined effects are an enhanced sense of peace and easing of tension.
For beginners, the process will likely feel odd and your mind will likely continue its nonstop distracted thinking. This is normal and expected. My suggestion is to simply allow your mind to do this and to gently bring yourself back to focusing on the meditation when you notice. Practicing mindfulness meditation will improve your ability to empty your thoughts, and this will eventually translate to the ability to become mindful without a formal meditation process. You will ultimately be able to reduce tension and stress with a 10-min mindfulness pause during a busy day.
My suggestion is to choose to meditate 2 times per day for 7 days – 10 min each time. I suggest using an app with guided meditations. On the 8th day, ask yourself if you have benefited emotionally. If you have, then consider extending the practice. Your relationship with control is likely to shift in a positive way.
5. Grounding Yourself
Grounding is a process in which we pull back from distressing thoughts and feelings. A significant part of the anxiety and anger related to lack of control can be soothed. Soothing oneself is another way to make peace with the experience. Many techniques exist, however a unifying aspect of grounding is to bring our awareness to the present. When we are present-oriented, we experience less anxiety, anger and even sadness.
My suggestion is to decide on 3 grounding techniques. Use any of these (or all of these) daily for 2 weeks then assess your level of anxiety and anger. If you feel more centered and experience less distress with lack of control, then consider continuing to actively ground yourself.
Here is a list of potential grounding activities -
Walk in nature – become curious and pay attention to the sights, sounds and smells – name them
Exercise – many forms of exercise are excellent for this, including Yoga discussed above
Hold a piece of ice – attend to the feeling and notice how it changes
Coloring – try a coloring book, use crayons or markers or pencils and notice how the colors strike the paper
Grab solid objects – pick them up and feel them, notice their shapes, textures and weights
Cook a unique meal – savor the scents, mixtures and colors; add a creative element or two
Listen to music – listen to a favorite song and pretend it is the first time you heard it – what is it that you appreciate?
Play a musical instrument – if you don’t know how to play one, perhaps decide to learn
Breathing exercise – put a 5 min timer on, then breathe in the following sequence until the timer sounds – inhale for 4 sec, hold for 4 sec, exhale for 7 sec
Faith in Letting Go
Making peace with our lack of control is an act of faith. I believe this is because we have a sense that if we stop putting forth effort to control all our outcomes that our life will spin into chaos, creating more misery. But, the truth is that we are not omnipotent beings. We are not filled with magic power and can’t control everything in our lives - no matter how hard we may try. Appreciating that reality allows us to put down a heavy burden. It also allows us to focus on that which is within our control – our own thoughts and behaviors. I believe this is at the core of the challenge to make peace with our lack of control.
You might have heard of the Serenity Prayer – “Father, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” The message is quite insightful. Serenity and courage are antidotes to fear and anger – serenity in the face of a reality we attempt to ignore and courage to face the anxiety/anger engendered by that reality.
Make peace with your own lack of control, gain a deeper connection to life’s meaning, improve your relationship to yourself and feel much less anxiety and anger.