By Tim Weissman, Ph.D.
In counseling we work on self-care, and on addressing negative feelings. We also work on how to better communicate. Clear signals and boundaries between ourselves and other people tend to improve our relationships, and better relationships correlate with positive feelings. You have likely heard the cliché – “Stand up for yourself.” This admonition is actually an excellent piece of advice. Standing up for yourself through assertive communication benefits us in numerous ways – helping reduce anxiety, sadness, and anger. It also improves our relationships.
First, we need to understand assertiveness. Wikipedia provides a pretty good start – “a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view.” In essence, being assertive means that we speak up for our own beliefs/needs in an appropriate way without feeling as if we need to defend ourselves. We don’t attack others and we don’t let them walk all over us either. We walk a middle path in which we respect the boundaries of others while also maintaining our own boundaries.
Avoidance – A Self-fulfilling Prophecy
Challenges with assertiveness are seen in a common situation experienced by a young traditional husband and wife. For simplicity let’s call this young couple Harry and Sally. When Harry met Sally, he was very conscientious and supportive of her dreams and career aspirations. He validated her and complimented her. They did not have many disagreements, which Sally preferred, and life was good.
Sally had witnessed her parents frequently argue as she grew up, and to her, conflict was painful and threatening, so she liked it avoided. A few years go by and our young couple is blessed with 2 children. Sally finds herself being the primary caregiver, but also attempting to work and maintain her career. She becomes overwhelmed by all the responsibility, and Harry doesn’t seem to notice how difficult it is for her. Preferring to avoid conflict, Sally does not address the issue for quite a while. She feels more alone, more isolated and much more stressed. Her resentment builds until one day a minor annoyance produces overwhelming anger and she unleashes a torrent of frustration on to Harry.
Sally went from overly passive to overly aggressive. Her desire to keep the peace and not rock the boat unfortunately led down a path where conflict would almost certainly be out of control – precisely what she feared. Harry’s response was to either put up his defenses, stonewall or attack back – and the couple would argue in circles, making little headway toward resolution.
Boundaries – Let’s Meet in the Middle
A middle path may have led to a much more effective outcome for Sally. This middle way is Assertiveness. When Sally first became aware that her personal boundaries were being pushed, she could express to Harry how she was starting to feel. Sally could let Harry know they need to make some changes and that they can work together to mutually determine a better course. Although Sally felt anxious about a potential “conflict,” this would not likely spiral since she would be addressing it early and directly.
Conflict is not necessarily threatening or painful. It offers opportunity for growth and an opportunity to deepen our relationships. Let’s assume Harry genuinely loves Sally and that he is reasonably willing to compromise in their relationship. He does not want her feeling overly stressed and burdened with responsibility to the point of emotional turmoil. So, by standing up for herself and assertively letting Harry know that she needs change to happen, the couple can find a way forward, before Sally has reached an emotional flash point.
This sort of boundary-setting happens in all relationships. We let people know how far we can be pushed before we put up our emotional hand to stop them. For those who are conflict-avoidant the boundary line is not clear or may be too close for comfort, and other people may unknowingly (or knowingly) walk all over them. This is not an effective way to relate to people, and we send ourselves an undermining message when we are too passive. In essence, we are telling ourselves that we are not worth it, we are not worth standing up for. But, we are worth it. You are worth it.
Do you know the old adage, “If you don’t stand up for yourself, who will?” Pause and consider the answer. Who is it that you know for sure can always stand up for you?
The answer is YOU. Be assertive and stand up for yourself. Let people know when they are crossing an emotional boundary. Let them know that change needs to occur for the relationship to move forward in health. By doing this you also tell yourself that you are worthy of respect and validation. You develop empowerment and agency in your life. You begin to realize that standing up for yourself feels right and that you deserve this care. People around you might be surprised at first, maybe even frustrated that you are not willing to let them push your boundaries anymore. But, over time, you will garner newfound respect from those around you, and you will begin deepening relationships through appropriate conflict resolution.
If you or someone you know would like help improving communication in a relationship - please visit Journey’s Bridge Counseling.