By Tim Weissman, Ph.D.
The most common question I receive related to couples is “What’s the secret to a happy marriage?” In response, I frequently think of the famous saying by Henny Youngman – “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
This can certainly appear true when one understands how many marriages end in divorce (roughly half). With such a large percentage of marriages ending, a common perception is that successful marriages are exceedingly difficult to sustain. That is definitely true, but it is also true that the “secrets” to a lifelong happy marriage are not so secret – contrary to what Mr. Youngman joked. The secrets are rooted in emotional maturity, a willingness to put another person ahead of ourselves, a receptive attitude toward change and a dogged sense of commitment to the bond.
Of course people are unique and relationships even more unique; what works for one couple might not work for another. Yet, I do believe there are qualities and behaviors which solidify a marriage in ways that withstand the trials and tribulations of life – and in the most important ways are simply not secrets. By developing and actively nurturing these qualities and behaviors, you can save a failing marriage and/or greatly enhance your relationship with your spouse. It’s simple, but not easy. It takes great courage and a true heartfelt desire for the relationship to work.
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." — Socrates, Greek philosopher
1. Great Communication
Perhaps you have heard the old adage “never go to sleep angry.” My wife and I actually say this to our children when we give them advice on relationships. Certainly, there are times when couples need a break from conflict and should get some space. Sometimes that involves another old adage that we need to “sleep on it.” But I think the core of meaning behind “never go to sleep angry” is that we should avoid running away from conflict in the relationship.
Conflict is not in itself dangerous for the relationship. In fact, conflict offers up the potential for improving the relationship. It is frequently through resolving conflict that change takes place. Resolution and change are very helpful in order to move past disagreements. Sweeping concerns under the rug won’t typically help our marriage. More likely it will be a breeding ground for resentment to build and fester, only to be expressed within the relationship in unhelpful communication patterns such as stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism and contempt – what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If those patterns are prevalent in your relationship, I highly suggest you seek to resolve the underlying conflict(s) which are driving them – or the end of the relationship may be nigh.
What does conflict resolution look like? I don’t believe there is a perfect answer to this question. However, it certainly starts with clear honest communication (more on honesty in Secret 5 below). And, clear communication begins with an exercise I encourage couples to use – Reflective Listening. This is a style of communicating that slows down the process and helps keep the couple on the same track. I wrote a short article describing how it works – here. I strongly encourage couples to use this technique if they find that their disagreements spiral quickly in to heated verbal arguments. Reflective Listening will assist you in avoiding the pitfalls of miscommunication and help you move toward realistic resolutions – exemplified by validation of each partner’s experience and commitment to specific changes moving forward.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein, German physicist
2. Similar Values
I encourage anyone who wants to be married to date with the intention of marriage. I understand the desire of people to date in order to gain access to sex or low-commitment good times, but if you have the desire to be in a lifelong marriage at some point, I simply encourage you to keep that notion front and center when you date. If you do not, you are rolling dice on your potential partner. You might get lucky and find a sexually attractive person that has similar values to you, although you might not know until some years later. More often, couples find themselves in a long-term relationship which began out of pure sexual attraction, only to discover there are vast differences between their values down the line. This isn’t insurmountable, but it does present a significant challenge to us, and means the couple will need a lot of Secret 4 below.
In order to avoid the struggle of being married to someone with vastly different values, learn who your potential partner is up front. My rule of thumb is that this process takes about 6 months. Active dating over that period of time will present enough stressors to help us discover who the person is that we are dating. Of course, we should also actively assess areas of value too.
That means discussing many topics with your potential partner. Do you want children, do they want children? How would you raise them? Would you engage in corporal punishment or not? Would you want to teach them a specific religion or spirituality? What about political notions? Work ethic? Community involvement? The list goes on. Ultimately, think about what you hold dear in your heart and find out if your partner feels similarly. It’s not a deal-breaker if there are differences. But, it’s information you should have before you decide if you want to partner up for life. The truth is that marriage is much easier when the couple shares similar values.
“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell, American Actor/comedian
3. Genuine Friendship
Imagine for a moment what your relationship is like between you and your best friend (who is not your spouse). How do you interact with this person? What leeway do you give them when they behave poorly? What motivations do you ascribe to their actions? What do you admire about your best friend?
My guess is that many people relate to their best friend much differently than they relate to their partner. There is reason for this of course – we aren’t as enmeshed in the relationship with our best friend as we are with our spouse. The added emotional distance with our friend allows for more rationality, more objectivity and more realism. Are you jealous when your best friend finds someone attractive? Not likely.
I’m not suggesting we should have the same type of relationship with our spouse as we have with our best friend. But, what I am suggesting is that a secret to a lifelong marriage is genuine friendship. If we relate to our spouse as a cherished friend, we can see them more fully for who they are and appreciate their unique qualities much more readily. We find more admiration toward them, and we forgive their faults more easily.
We tend to give to our best friend, without expecting a completely equitable return. When our best friend is having an event and invites us, we are more likely to show up, even if we don’t really feel like going. In a lifelong marriage, we need to be “showing up” for our partner, even when it’s difficult and even when we feel hurt. There is something about friendship which allows us to give a bit more than we take. Finding true friendship with your spouse will help you give.
"To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash, American poet
4. Emotional Maturity
Recognizing our own poor behavior is a hallmark of emotional maturity. Often in relationships people become locked into their perspective, feeling justified for poor behavior, and this makes change virtually impossible. We need to be able to own our part of the process and accept that we can do better as well. Pushing conflicts off on to our partner and blaming them in our minds only serves to reinforce the patterns we are looking to improve.
Developing emotional maturity takes time and courage. It’s painful to see our own poor behavior. It’s easier to imagine we are merely responding to that which has been done to us. If our partner would just stop X,Y,Z then we wouldn’t be rude or dismissive in response. Altering this tendency takes the courage of asking ourselves how we can be better. It takes a strength of will to acknowledge and accept our own faults. The good news is that positive change in your life will benefit you no matter what happens in your marriage. By growing and maturing as a human you will be better equipped to relate to people in general.
One way you can develop emotional maturity is by engaging in genuine apologies to your partner when you have behaved poorly. A genuine apology states that you recognize what you did, that you understand your behavior was inappropriate/poor/wrong and that you wish to be forgiven for the transgression. If does not defend or give justifications for why you behaved the way you did. The apology simply owns the behavior, requests forgiveness and promises to do better in the future. It’s simple, but emotionally difficult for many people. That’s where the emotional maturity comes in – providing the strength to confront our own frailties. Practice it with small issues and it will become easier with heavier conflicts.
"Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome." — Jerry Seinfeld, American comedian
5. Capacity to Hold Uncomfortable Truth
I think back to the old television show House M.D. The fictional character Dr. Gregory House was famous for saying and assuming that everyone lies. It was a precept for him. It informed his decision-making and was frequently a piece of the puzzle for solving difficult medical cases. Everyone lies. Start there as a launching point to this secret of a lifelong happy marriage.
I strongly believe it’s best to tell the truth, especially to our spouse. That said, the reality is that lies are told in marriages all the time, and they can lead toward a spoiled relationship. What do we do about it? It’s too easy to simply say “don’t lie to your spouse.” What I encourage couples to do, instead, is to better understand what motivated the lie. Generally speaking, a lie is told in a marriage out of fear. One partner lies to hide what I call an “uncomfortable truth” from their spouse. They fear hurting the relationship or perhaps simply hurting the feelings of their spouse. Thus, they hide parts of themselves, believing they are protecting the marriage.
However, a lifelong happy marriage needs to be able to hold uncomfortable truths without disintegrating. In order for this to develop and strengthen, couples will need the kind of emotional maturity we discussed above. And, when we are able to share uncomfortable truth with our spouse, leaning into it, our relationship can deepen, becoming richer and more intimate.
As an exercise to develop a stronger container for truth in the relationship I suggest you sit down with your spouse and reveal something very small that is uncomfortable but true. Ask your spouse to reciprocate. To encourage them to participate I suggest you say something along these lines to your spouse – “I want you to feel safe enough to be honest with me, and I commit to being strong enough to accept what is true without leaving or judging.” Again, I suggest you do this with very small aspects of your lives together. Build up a tolerance for uncomfortable truth and ultimately it will not feel as threatening. But do be cautious about jumping into the deep end of the pool on this secret to a happy marriage. There is very real risk involved in opening up about things your partner does not know. For the long term, a relationship that can withstand and hold “uncomfortable truth” has a much better chance of thriving.
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft, American actress
6. Forgiveness and Allowance for Change
True forgiveness must be on the table for both spouses in a lifelong happy marriage. Couples that struggle with moving on from conflict frequently foster an environment in which grace is withheld. A spouse that behaved poorly gets trapped by their partner’s inability or unwillingness to offer a path to redemption.
When a past transgression is brought up over and over, in the face of genuine apologies, it’s impossible for the spouse who transgressed to change. Their partner is not willing to move forward. Sometimes this can be warranted for a bit of time, but typically, when a genuine apology is given, the offended spouse has the onus on them to be willing to negotiate a path to forgiveness.
Until that path is apparent, the spouse who transgressed is pigeon-holed by their partner. The relationship also tends to stop growing, and in many cases can become regressive. If one spouse believes their partner is not capable of changing, then the relationship can become toxic.
In order to offer forgiveness, many folks want proof that their spouse won’t transgress again in the future. They want a guarantee that it won’t happen again. Without that evidence they are not willing to forgive. The trouble with this is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The offended spouse will perceive their partner’s behavior through the lens of transgression, rather than a forward-looking lens of growth. And, the transgressing spouse will be seen as incapable of change, further reinforcing the offended spouse’s internal messages about their partner.
Forgiveness is about letting go and offering genuine love. Holding on to grudges within a marriage will weigh it down severely. In important ways, forgiving is for the spouse who was transgressed. By offering up forgiveness they allow themselves to put down the burdens of anger and resentment. They feel better, lighter. It’s a mental shift in which they no longer feel the need to hold on to the negative emotions related to the transgression. The secondary benefit is that it allows their partner to change, and thus allows for the relationship to change as well.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin, American Founding Father
7. Commitment to the Partnership
A marriage is a strong bond between people. Yet, it benefits greatly from an intentional commitment by the partners. We have romantic ideas that true love will be enough, or that passion and intimacy are the salves that will heal all wounds in the relationship.
The truth is that a marital relationship takes work to maintain. We cannot simply hope for the best and tell ourselves that “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” That line of thinking allows for all sorts of issues to crop up, building over time until the marriage crumbles. Instead, we should intentionally nurture the relationship and make the internal choice to be committed to the health of our marriage.
There will be ups and downs in a lifelong marriage. To meet the challenges we must stay engaged and be vigilant, actively seeking ways to improve and grow. We demonstrate this commitment by making time for our spouse and expressing love in a way they feel it. We demonstrate it by seeking to understand them and appreciate them, as well as accept them.
We must rise to the occasion when needed, not shrink due to fear or sadness. In a lifelong marriage you will need to put your relationship above many other things. There will come times when your partner needs you desperately, or perhaps you need them. Your commitment to the bond must endure so that when the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune arrive, you have a deep well of support to provide or draw upon.
It will take a great deal of commitment and love to overcome some of the most challenging experiences a couple might face. Without this sense of commitment, it will be tough to make it through those times together. But, knowing this now, we can choose to put our heart and soul into the relationship. We can make the choice to fully commit, and in return have a full commitment from our spouse. I encourage you to make that choice, then live that commitment each and every day.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner, American comedian
What Do We Do Now?
No relationship is perfect. There is always room to grow and improve. Even people who have been happily married for 30 years can find ways to strengthen and deepen their bond. For those who are currently in a rough patch, take heart. You are not alone.
That said, I do understand that many relationships are in dire straits, on the verge of collapse or divorce. I assume many of you are looking for answers, seeking a way back to the fulfilling relationship you once experienced.
My best advice is to take an honest inventory of these 7 “secrets.” Assess where you have challenges and where you don’t. Look as objectively as possible at your own behavior. We say it takes two to tango. However, it only takes one to detangle the knots in the marriage. If just one person in the relationship decides to dance to a different tune, their partner is forced to start new patterns. You can be the catalyst for positive change in your marriage.
Take one secret per day and do something to improve it. Maybe Sundays are the days you actively schedule alone time with your partner. Wednesday might be the day you work on developing more emotional maturity. Work on something from the list each day for 2 full weeks, then take another objective look at the marriage. It’s quite likely you will feel better, as well as your spouse. Consider this my 2-week challenge to work toward a lifelong happy marriage.
You can also seek professional help from a marriage counselor. I do a great deal of couples therapy, and I see immense benefit in having an objective outside observer to assist in slowing down the process and detangling the painful patterns playing out in the relationship. There are many excellent counselors. Try searching online or request referrals from your insurance company. Read the websites and look for someone that states they specialize in marital counseling. Feel free to reach out to me with questions or concerns. I am happy to see how I can help.