Building Your Relationship Back - Emotional Bank Account - DIY Series
By Tim Weissman, Ph.D.
Couples work a great deal on improving the emotional experiences of their relationship. Hopefully, your partner is an immense source of joy and strength, a refuge in the storm of life. Too often, this isn’t the case, and couples find themselves responsible for added pain in each other’s life. Much of this stems from poor communication, which is a massive challenge at times, like blindly navigating an emotional minefield. Yet, even with excellent communication, and a perfect road map to your emotional terrain, it’s not always enough. We must also be willing to engage in active steps to increase what John Gottman calls the Emotional Bank Account.
Emotional Bank Account
The concept of the Emotional Bank Account has been quite useful in couples counseling for decades. The idea is that our relationship can be measured by our level of positive-to-negative interactions. When we engage positively with our partner, we increase our Emotional Bank Account – putting the balance in the Green. However, when we engage negatively, we reduce the balance, taking it down to zero, or into debt – Red. When we have a full Emotional Bank Account, we can withstand challenges in the relationship. However, if we are low, or in the Red, our relationship can be a source of significant stress.
Gottman’s research demonstrated that filling up the Emotional Bank Account means having at least 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. In other words, a single negative interaction can deplete the benefits of 5 positive interactions. Thus, couples need to be vigilantly filling up their account. Arguments will happen, and when they do, the Emotional Bank Account can be quickly depleted.
Positive Interactions – Investing in Your Relationship
When I’m counseling couples the biggest question I get related to the Emotional Bank Account is – What exactly makes an interaction positive? The short answer to this is what Gottman calls “turning toward” your partner. We need to be responding to our partner with connection. We should be empathetic to their concerns, acknowledge their desires, encourage them, validate them and show kindness and affection.
These are all acts of connection, and they can occur in small ways every single day. When you wake up in the morning, do you give your partner a hug? When you receive a humorous text during the day, do you respond with a “lol”? When your partner wants to complain about a co-worker, do you demonstrate compassion and concern? Every day we are presented with opportunities to connect with our partner in numerous ways. Take advantage of these opportunities and build your Emotional Bank Account so that when an inevitable struggle arises your relationship can get through the challenge.
There are many specific ways to “turn toward” your partner. Be mindful and active in doing this. It really doesn’t take much effort and it will improve so much. Express appreciation for them daily. Be willing to discuss your stressors with each other. Be understanding with each other by genuinely trying to understand your partner’s perspectives. Engage in physical affection. It doesn’t need to be sexual. Holding hands, sitting close, providing a brief shoulder rub and hugging all feel great and serve to connect partners.
Negative Interactions – Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Turning away from our partner is negative and will deplete your Emotional Bank Account. Like positive interactions, these types of interactions can occur in many small ways throughout our daily lives. I worked with a couple that was struggling and one of the complaints from the wife was that she would send texts to her husband every now and then asking how his day is going. The husband would hardly ever respond (or respond tersely), and when confronted about it in therapy, he said “I figured you were just bored, and I am busy during the day.” The fact of the matter is that the wife was making frequent bids for connection and the husband was essentially turning away from her. This served to increase a sense of loneliness for the wife and it spilled out into many other interactions in the relationship, eventually leading to counseling as a last-ditch effort to save the marriage.
Obviously, this is just a small example from the relationship, but it illustrates how we must be mindful of these opportunities to connect. If this husband saw the texts as bids for connection from his wife (as well as likely many other attempts by his wife to connect), and responded by turning toward her, perhaps their Emotional Bank Account would not have reached the level of depletion where so many of their interactions became strained.
Gottman also discusses specific kinds of behavior which strongly predict the demise of a relationship. They are called the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are behaviors to avoid in the relationship as they all serve as “turning away” from your partner and thus depleting the Emotional Bank Account.
Criticism is verbally attacking your partner’s personality or character – “What a stupid idea.”
Contempt is an attack on the partner’s sense of self with an intent to insult – “You didn’t take the trash out again? *rolls eyes* You’re so lazy.”
Defensiveness is engaging in victimizing yourself to reverse blame or stop a perceived attack – “You never listen to me. If you did, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Stonewalling is withdrawing to avoid conflicts in order to express disapproval, distance or separation – “I don’t want to talk about it. We never resolve anything.”
Can We Reverse Our Emotional Accounting?
Many couples which find themselves in the Red have simply depleted their Emotional Bank Account. Perhaps it began quite full and slowly dwindled over years, or perhaps a significant event occurred which rapidly required the expenditure of their emotional revenue. It does not mean the relationship can’t get back in the Green. To the contrary, much of what is needed to repair and reinvest in the relationship is a framework such as the Emotional Bank Account.
When I work with couples, I do not generally see that people are ready to give up. I mostly see that couples are looking for a way back, a way to find what they have lost. An excellent approach to rekindle the positive spark is to simply be mindful of how much you turn towards each other. It really does not take much effort once you make the conscious decision to engage positively with your partner. The emotional tenor will not change instantly, but as you build up your emotional account over time you definitely can find what was lost and feel joy and fulfillment once again.
If you or someone you know would like help improving your relationship - please visit Journey’s Bridge Counseling.