Achieving Big Change in Small Steps - DIY Series
By Jacob Weissman
Change is difficult, especially when we think of change in capital letters – Big Change. We think of stepping on the scale and being fifty pounds lighter. We don’t think about lowercase change very often. The idea of steeping on the scale and being one-pound lighter next week is much less inspiring than fifty a year from now. This is why we find ourselves drawn to thinking of change as wholesale, rather than incremental. And this is why motivation can be so difficult. When we see change as something so massive, and so far away, the amount of work and effort it will take to get to the other side seems impossible.
One Pound at a time
But what if you focused on the one pound, rather than the fifty? What if you saw that one-pound as a praise-worthy change within yourself? The change, then, becomes easier to achieve. That first pound motivates you to continue for the second, and the third. Week after week, pound after pound, you mark your success. Finally, fifty weeks down the line you realize you’re fifty pounds lighter than you were this time last year. You’ve done it, you’ve achieved Change with a capital C. But, you did it by focusing on the all the small changes along they way. You focused on incremental change, where each week had its own change-goal, each goal bringing you one step closer to the other side.
Exposure therapy is very similar to what I’ve described above. It is essentially an incremental weight-loss plan, but for anxiety. Over time this form of therapy helps you confront different levels of your anxieties. The therapy starts with the lowest level, and incrementally moves to more anxiety-evoking situations. This might sound terrifying. But, that’s likely because you are thinking about the most extreme form of whatever it is you’re anxious about. Your fifty pounds - the thing that makes you feel so anxious that the idea of ever confronting it seems impossible. It is an anxiety that makes you feel desperate, and possibly depressed, because you imagine yourself being stuck with it forever.
Exposure therapy calls on you to put aside this fifty-pound menace and focus on the smallest thing you can tolerate. You start by envisioning the smallest possible way you could confront your anxiety. Many times, this will take the form of just imagining a confrontation between yourself and whatever it is that makes you feel anxious. You do this every night for a week. You imagine yourself confronting your anxiety. After this, you move on to confronting something more anxiety provoking than the first exercise, but still miles away from your ultimate fear. As you become more and more used to confronting the things you are anxious about, the fears around them slowly dissipate. Incrementally, you become able to tolerate more and more of the thing that makes you anxious.
After a few months this process culminates in your ability to face the full fifty-pound anxiety. It is manageable now because of the weeks you spent preparing with progressively heavier and heavier weights. You are now able to lift something you never thought would be possible. This is the magic of exposure therapy. By pushing you just a little out of your comfort zone week by week, it allows you to build up to that final weight without feeling overwhelmed.
DIY Exposure Therapy
You should start “DIY Exposure Therapy” by writing about what makes you anxious. Write out what the ultimate form of facing this anxiety would look like. This is your fifty-pound goal. Write about a behavior you don’t believe you could ever do because of your anxiety surrounding it. Now, think about the smallest thing you could do that would force you to confront at least part of your anxiety. This should be something that seems manageable and is not too difficult. This is your first exposure task. Write it out and remember to be specific.
It is important to detail exactly what the task is and how long you must do it each time. Complete this task once a day, every day, for the next week. After doing this for a week come up with a new task. This task should be a little more difficult than the first, but still be manageable. Repeat this process every week. Remember to make the activity slightly more difficult each time. If you reach a task that feels too overwhelming, just do as much of it as you can. It’s ok if you can’t do the full task yet, or if you can’t do it for as long as you planned. You can build up and do more of the task the next week. That being said, make sure you are at least pushing yourself a little outside of your comfort zone every week. You have to feel the anxiety if you want to get used to it.
The number of weeks spent “building up” will differ for everybody. It depends on the severity of your anxiety, and the specifics of the ultimate task you picked. But, no matter the number of weeks, the final step of this DIY exposure therapy is your ultimate task. This is where you step on the proverbial scale and realize you’ve lost fifty pounds. The task will still be difficult, but it will surprise you how achievable it feels, compared to what you imagined. Something which once seemed insurmountable will now be manageable.
DIY Exposure Example
Week One
Jill has been afraid of thunderstorms for as long as she can remember. Whenever she sees a big, grey storm cloud or hears thunder, Jill rushes to the innermost room of her house. Jill wants to fight this. She is tired of the constant fear. So, Jill decides to use DIY exposure therapy. Jill starts by writing about her anxiety, and what her ultimate goal might be. After a little writing Jill comes up with this:
“My ultimate goal is to be able to sit on my back porch for ten minutes during a thunderstorm.”
The thought of doing this makes Jill’s heart race. It seems impossible to her. She is so scared of storms that sitting outside during one seems unbelievable. However, Jill knows exposure therapy is incremental, and that it will be weeks before she confronts this final step. She can cross that bridge when she comes to it. For now, Jill focuses on coming up with a task for the next week. Jill realizes that storms don’t happen every day, so she decides to come up with a couple of tasks for the first week. One task is intended for days where a storm is forecast, and one for non-storm days.
Non-Storm Day:
“I imagine for five minutes that I am sitting outside during a thunderstorm. I listen to storm sounds on YouTube while doing it to make it more realistic.”
Storm Day:
“I can still sit in my closet during a storm, but I will sit with my back against the closet door for at least five minutes.”
Week Two
Jill is now ready to push herself a little further. There were two storm days the first week that made Jill very nervous, but she was able to still complete her task. Jill comes up with two more activities for week two, both more difficult than their week one counterpart.
Non-Storm Day:
“I will sit in my living room and imagine that I am in a thunderstorm for ten minutes. I should watch a video of a thunderstorm to make it more realistic.”
Storm Day:
“Whenever it storms, I must sit outside my closest for at least three minutes.”
It storms once on week two, and even though Jill was only able to sit outside her closet for two minutes, she still feels proud of herself. Jill doesn’t think she could have done it at all two weeks ago. Jill feels confident in the process and knows she’ll be able to do a little bit more next week.
Final Weeks
It is now ten weeks since Jill started DIY exposure therapy. She has had some setbacks but has kept at it. Slowly but surely, she has become able to sit in any room of her house during a thunderstorm. It makes her nervous, but she can actually manage to get through an entire storm now outside her closet. Jill is now ready to tackle her final task. She looks back to what she originally wrote down, weeks ago.
“My ultimate goal is to be able to sit on my back porch for ten minutes during a thunderstorm.”
This is Jill’s only task for this week. A few days into the week a storm comes. Jill is able to go onto her back porch during it, but only makes it five minutes. There was a particularly loud crash of thunder, and Jill instinctively ran inside. This makes her feel deflated, but she knows that she will eventually get to ten minutes. Two more storms come and pass, each time Jill almost makes it to ten minutes but not quite. However, during the next storm, Jill is finally successful. She sits outside during a storm for just over ten minutes. Something that seemed impossible three months ago, when she couldn’t imagine even leaving her closet during a thunderstorm.
Jill can now go outside during a thunderstorm. She can be at the store, or out to lunch with friends, and not shut down at the first sound of thunder. She no longer cancels plans when there’s a stormy forecast. She still certainly feels anxious. At moments it can still overwhelm her. But, for the most part, now it’s manageable. She can live her life now, even though there are storms on the horizon.
Exposure therapy is a challenging process. However, there’s a lot you can do on your own if you put your mind to it. Your anxieties probably feel overwhelming, and it might seem like there’s no end in sight. That is simply not true. Plenty of real people, just like the imaginary Jill, have overcome their anxieties with exposure therapy. The key is to focus on the small steps. The daily battles you can win, and these add up significantly over time. Take it step by step, one day at a time, and before you know it, you’ll be able to manage what you originally felt was impossible.
If you or someone you know could use help with anxiety - please visit Journey’s Bridge Counseling.